Faith, Family, and the Fertility Doctor: How God Used Modern Medicine to Answer our Prayer Requests

      I'll always remember my first trip to the fertility doctor. My husband, Ryan, and I sat awkwardly in a waiting room, listening to the Backstreet Boys greatest hits through the ceiling speaker, while avoiding eye contact with other couples and commenting on the unusual art: mermaid family statue. I’m not kidding. The sculpture was of a mommy and daddy mermaid holding up a baby mermaid in the air! The artwork and music choice created a nice comedic relief from the anxiety of wondering what the doctor would say. What would be my prognosis? What if she said I had no chances of carrying a baby to term? What if there were no answers for why I easily became pregnant but could never stay pregnant? The rollercoaster of three pregnancies, followed by three miscarriages, was a ride we were ready to get off.  The nurse eventually called us back to a consultation room that had all the posters and props of a high school health class, where we nervously played on our phones until the doctor finally came in the room. She sat down, looked through my medical history paperwork, and in no more than 5 minutes told us what she thought was wrong and how she planned to fix it. She confidently assured us she was not worried about my eventually carrying full term. We left the doctor’s office feeling very assured and encouraged. With the doctor’s help and God’s choosing to answer our heartfelt prayers for multiples, our triplets Blair, Barrett, and Blake were conceived six months later. We do not believe our triplets were a result of fertility medication. However, God chose to use medication to help bring about our desire for a family, and maybe He wants to do the same in your life.

     After going public about our miscarriages and triplet pregnancy, the questions and comments started pouring in from women struggling with the same heartache of infertility and the same dream of conceiving. “Your story has encouraged me to not give up on my dreams of being a mom” one woman wrote to me. “As a Christian, how did you justify seeing a fertility doctor?” was a question sent to me by another woman who honestly wondered the spiritual argument for seeking help. How did we justify seeing a fertility doctor? Is seeing a fertility doctor playing God? Are babies born with fertility help any less miraculous? How do I talk to my spouse about going to a fertility doctor? How do I keep enjoying life with fertility struggles?

1. How did we justify seeing a fertility doctor?

      Last October, I kept getting the flu, even with the flu shot. No matter what I did, it seemed like I kept getting sick and I kept being out of commission for weeks. I didn’t pray about what I should do. I didn’t ask respected leaders in the church their counsel. I was sick, and I needed a doctor. The same is true for people who are continuing to experience fertility problems. I know that God made Sarah and Abraham parents at 90 years old, but I don’t really see that happening anymore. Christians have deemed the medical condition of infertility a spiritual issue, and it is keeping many couples from receiving the medical help they need. However, seeing a fertility doctor is often the most prolife choice a couple can make. There would have been nothing spiritual about our continually losing babies when medical solutions were available. Wanting to bring life into the world is fulfilling the biblical command to “be fruitful and multiply.”

       2. Is seeing a fertility doctor playing God?

      God opens and closes the womb. Simple as that. Does God need help? No. Does God use modern medicine to help correct issues in our imperfect bodies? Yes. No baby is born outside of God’s will. God doesn’t have to readjust his plans for the world when a baby is born via fertility treatment. God is more powerful than fertility medication, and I can tell you from experience that receiving fertility treatment does not ensure a baby is born. For as many couples who receive children from medical help, just as many have failed-attempt stories. We are not powerful enough to trick, outsmart, or out-medicate God.

      3. Are babies born with fertility help any less miraculous?

      We get asked all the time if the triplets were “natural,” most often by the checkout ladies at Target. Our answer, “The triplets were supernatural.” We specifically prayed for three biological children, for multiples, and for “God to do more than anything we can hope or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20-21) and God answered. The fact that God answered so specifically and so creatively is nothing short of miraculous. God either opens the womb or He doesn’t. Whether a child is conceived through the help of science, medication, a memory lapse in taking birth control pills, or carefully timed family planning; every child is a miracle worthy to be celebrated. The reason God sometimes uses medical intervention is something we will have to ask Him when we get to Heaven. Every life conceived is equally valuable. Every answered prayer for a child is worthy of praise to our Lord.

    4. How do I talk to my spouse about going to the fertility doctor?

      Be sensitive, be humble, be open, and be loving when talking to your spouse about seeking help. We can all admit fertility is an awkward topic. Saying “fertility doctor” always makes me think of the monkey Rafiki from The Lion King. The idea of talking to a stranger about fertility issues can seem invasive, embarrassing, and weird. From my experience, fertility doctors often have an honorary degree in sensitivity training. I was amazed at their ability to talk about bodily functions while keeping a straight face, but they do it! The doctor’s appointment likely won’t be as bad as you imagine it to be. Even if the appointment is as bad as you have imagined, with the alternative being childlessness, it may be an awkward appointment worth scheduling. Please don’t write off fertility doctors and treatment as too expensive before researching your options. You would be amazed at the different options and programs for fertility treatment! Lastly and most importantly, decide ahead of time that your fertility struggle is no one’s “fault” but is the path God has destined you to journey together.

     5. How do I keep enjoying life with fertility struggles?

      God has a plan for your life that is not contingent on your ability to become pregnant. God gives us what we need. It is a tough pill to swallow, but by that rationale if you don’t have a baby then it’s not what you need right now. I know that is hard. I know that is heartbreaking. I also know that my worst year personally was my best year spiritually and in ministry. There is something different God has planned for this time, regardless of how determined you may be that it’s baby time. Please don’t get so consumed with ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, baby apps, baby clothes sites, or even reading pregnancy blogs that you miss what God has for you today.

      I do not know what is right for your family. I do know too many couples are struggling in silence with fertility problems, and too many women are repeatedly experiencing heartache, while medical solutions are often available. As I told a girl crying to me in Anthropologie the other day who had just received a report from her OB-GYN that she would not be able to conceive, “It’s a good thing we have the modern medicine of 2018 and that God can do anything.” Let us take advantage of living in an age where modern medicine can help accomplish our dreams of a family. Let us remember that we serve a God who can do more than anything we can hope or imagine.

More Than We Can Imagine: The Sadler Triplet Story

 Well, our secret is out: Ryan and I are pregnant with triplets! My mom always cringes when we say, “We’re pregnant!” because of the obvious anatomical error in this statement.  However, after about a thousand of Ryan’s late night runs to the grocery store on behalf of the four individuals I now represent; multiple weekly doctors’ visits; and the emotional toll of coming up with three names, while trying to predict which triplet could react to what in regard to name fairness… I’d say that Ryan is about as pregnant as I am pregnant!

However, the positive pregnancy test is far from where our journey began. Our triplet story started about a year and a half ago when Ryan and I sat down together as a couple and listed 20 things we were going to pray for multiple times a day until God answered. The final prayers on our list were for God to bless us with multiples, for God to bless our family with three biological children, and for God “to do more than anything we could imagine” (Eph. 3:20). Ironically, we never imagined God’s answering all three of those prayers in one miracle!

Mark Batterson states in his book Draw The Circle, “The greatest tragedy in life are the prayers that go unanswered simply because they go unasked.” We were tired of tragedy. We were tired of not getting results. We started asking, and God started answering.

How did we end up with triplets?

I remember the moment we found out we were having triplets. We were going in for my first sonogram after getting a positive pregnancy test. Our doctor performed the test in about two seconds before starting her sentence with the following, “I don’t want to scare you, but… there are three gestational sacs.” I started celebrating as if I had won an Olympic gold meal, pumping my arms and cheering, thanking God, and giving Ryan a majorly corny high-five, though it took Ryan a second to switch mindsets after the “I don’t want to scare you…” opening to comprehending the best news of our lives. We were thrilled! To answer the major question, no, the triplets were not IVF. But even if they had been, does that make three lives any less a miracle? God either opens the womb or He doesn’t, and there is nothing less miraculous about God working through science, medicine, or a memory lapse in taking birth control than carefully timed family planning. After three miscarriages, it became necessary to see specific doctors, and we would recommend anyone going through that heartache to do so, as well. We ended up with triplets because God ordained their lives and answered our specific prayers.

Were we surprised when we found out?

People have countered when we say, “We wanted multiples.” with “Be careful what you wish for…” but the truth is we didn’t wish for anything. We asked, pleaded, and begged God for this very specific prayer, and He answered as only the God of the universe can answer: timely, specifically, and powerfully. Our doctors and countless people since then have asked, “Were you surprised?!” We always respond, “No, we weren’t surprised because we asked God and truly believed He would answer, “Yes.” We have already heard incredible stories of people being able to use the triplet’s lives to tell others about the goodness of God, and we pray this continues to be the theme of their lives-- pointing others to our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Are we scared?

While announcing the triplets to our student ministry, church family, and social media world was a blast, after three miscarriages in a year it is hard to ignore the deep-seated fear of “What if?” What if God doesn’t let these babies live? What if we announce the triplets as this incredible miracle and then lose them like we lost the others? What if we announce the triplets to our student ministry but then have to provide grief counseling for 300+ students? If something happens, does that mean God isn’t good? If something happens, does that mean the triplets weren’t miracles? If something happens, will we stop following God? No, it doesn’t mean any of this because God is good, even if any of these things happens. As my father, pastor Dr. Robert Jeffress, says, “Faith is not believing God will do what we want Him to do. Faith is believing God is who He says He is and acting accordingly.” God’s goodness is not dependent upon our getting what we want; God’s goodness is the very nature of who God is and encompasses all He does-- regardless if we understand or agree.

We truly believe the triplets are a miraculous answer to our specific and persistent prayers. The triplets are not our story. The triplets belong to a God who is able and who did more than we could imagine!

 While triplets are rare, the true rarity is not in God’s answering big prayers but in our asking big prayers! What big prayer do you want to start asking God today?

We so appreciate continual prayers for The Sadler Triplets to make it to 34 weeks without health or medical issues for babies or mama! Thank you for sharing in our journey! To God be the glory, great things He has done!

How to Talk to Your Child about Suicide

“How do I talk to my child about suicide?” has been the most frequent question parents have asked me following the release of the hit TV show 13 Reasons Why. I’m so thankful parents are asking this question, instead of trying to figure out how to push this heartbreaking topic under the rug. Teenagers want to know what they are supposed to think about suicide; and, luckily, many children and teenagers are looking to their parents for answers.

The majority of parents I have worked with after a child’s suicide have said they never saw any warning signs. This absolutely breaks my heart and is the major reason I dedicate so much time speaking to students, teachers, and parents about the tragedy of suicide. While it is often true that parents don’t see the signs of suicide in their children, statistics tell us that four out of five teenagers who attempted suicide gave clear warning signs they were planning to do so. What does this mean for parents?

As the primary influencers in your child’s life, here are the top 5 things to remember when addressing the issue of suicide.

1. Keep communication open, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Do not just take children at their word that they are okay. They often don’t know if they are okay. They may be hurting, confused, and needing a safe place to process their grief and feelings. In relation to 13 Reasons Why, instead of being angry or punishing your children for watching the show, ask what parts of the show connected with them. Very few parents are aware if their child has been bullied or sexually assaulted. You can make 13 Reasons Why work for you. If you have a child opening up to you about this show, about a friend’s suicide, or about the topic of suicide, resist the urge to correct or condemn. Let your child talk for as long as they will; and use non-judgmental, open-ended phrases and questions, such as “What was that like?” “Tell me more about that,” or  “What do you think about this?”

1. Watch for signs of depression and suicidal ideation.

People who are already struggling with depression and suicidal ideation can have an especially difficult time after someone commits suicide. Even if you do not think your child struggles with these issues, a recent suicide is upsetting for anyone. People in a location with a recent suicide become especially vulnerable because, in some way, suicide becomes a viable option.

Signs of depression: change in sleep pattern, sadness, anger, change in appetite, apathy, loss in interests, withdrawal, anxiety, self-harm, excessive crying, trouble concentrating, substance abuse.

Signs of suicidal ideation: irritability, depression, hopelessness, giving possessions away, apathy, withdrawal, losing interests, joking about death and suicide, saying things like “I’m a burden” or “If only I weren’t here anymore” or “I just want everything to be over,” getting in fights, sudden happiness (as a result of resolving to end their lives), saying goodbye, recent trauma, bullying, eating disorders, etc.

3.  Get professional help.

This cannot be stressed enough. Getting professional help for your child does not mean something is wrong with your child. Getting professional help is a way for your child to gain skills to help them process the trauma they have been exposed to through another’s suicide. Very few people actually like seeing a therapist, so do not take it as a bad sign if your child is not enthusiastic about going. Encourage your child to go to a therapist at least a few times to help them bond with the therapist, even if your child claims they aren’t learning anything.

4.  Try not to answer the “Did they go to Heaven or hell?” question.

This suggestion goes counter to my Southern Baptist, evangelical upbringing. However, I have worked with many, many teenagers and young adults who refrained from committing suicide because of their belief it would send them to Hell. The Bible teaches we are “Saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and this is not of yourselves, it is a gift of God.” Eph. 2:8-10 The Bible teaches the way we go to Heaven is through a relationship with Jesus Christ and that the reason people go to Hell is because they have not trusted in Christ as their Savior.

While we don’t want to lie or to teach wrong theology to anyone, it’s pretty tempting for a Christian who is suicidal to hear that if they commit suicide, they will definitely go to Heaven. Therefore, the best option is redirecting your questioning child to two concepts: 1. What the Bible says about life (Jeremiah 29:11). 2. The truth that nothing they have done and nothing that has been done to them can separate them from the love and the plan of God (Romans 8). I also use John 10:10 with students and adults, so they remember who is ultimately responsible for suicidal thoughts. “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it to the fullest.” Suicide is used by Satan to kill people. Suicide steals a Christian’s life, shortens their ministry, and hurts their witness. Suicide causes non-Christians to die without a relationship with Jesus Christ. Suicide is not God’s desire for anyone.

5.  Let them know that nothing they can ever do is ever so bad that the only answer is   suicide.

If you counsel and discipline your child as if what they have done is the worst thing they could possibly do and as if there is no room for grace or redemption, you have set your child up for failure. If you act as if their problem, screw-up, sin, or mistake is the worst thing possible, they are likely to believe you. While discipline is necessary for children, it must be coupled with the truth that God has a plan for us, even when we mess up. Colossians 3:21 states, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” You hold more power than you know as parents. Even when their headphones are in, even when their eyes are glued to their phones, and even when they constantly roll their eyes; they are listening. Children need to hear they are unconditionally loved and accepted by their parents and by God. They need to hear that there is always hope, always forgiveness, always redemption, and always grace.

God recently had my paths cross with a young woman contemplating suicide. She had experienced incredible hurt and trauma that had contributed to her depression and despair. On the very night she had decided to die, God moved heaven and earth to have five complete strangers interrupt her plan and to tell her of God's purpose for her life. On the night she had decided to end her life, she instead chose to give her life to Jesus Christ. In an instant she went from being completely hopeless to completely hopeful. If this is the impact five people can have on a stranger, imagine the incredible opportunity you have as parents to encourage and speak life to your child. The child-parent relationship has been proven time and again to be forever the most influential human relationship. While it's painful to admit when your child is struggling, you're the best chance they have to choose God's plan of hope and redemption. What an incredible responsibility. What an incredible privilege.

The Reason The World Is Watching "13 Reasons Why"

This blog was published by The Christian Post, Hello Christian, and The Southern TEXAN 

The Reason the World is Watching “Thirteen Reasons Why”

The New York Times best selling book turned Netflix series “Thirteen Reasons Why” has turned into an overnight national phenomenon. Why is this series catching the attention of parents, teachers, teenagers, and pretty much everyone? While the series has many critics, this series has one main attraction. “Thirteen Reasons Why” is the most accurate show on television. As a licensed professional counselor and professional youth speaker who presents suicide prevention programs in public and private schools, I can tell you that, unfortunately, this show depicts the struggles many of our teenagers are facing. I knew immediately when I heard about “Thirteen Reasons Why” that I would inevitably write about this show, since I speak passionately about teen suicide to our young people. I went into the show ready to be a critic. I was ready to bash it for romanticizing suicide and for depicting dark images and ideas. However, I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming accuracy of this show. Because if 1 in 6 women are sexually abused and 5,000 teenagers in the United States attempt suicide daily, then there are a lot of Hannah Bakers out there. So, while there are many reasons not to watch the show, I want to focus on the number one issue depicted in “Thirteen Reasons Why.” Surprisingly, the number one issue is not suicide. The number one harmful issue is having a victim mentality.

Victim mentality is different from being a victim. Without a doubt, people are victims of assault, abuse, and many different horrible acts for which they are in no way responsible. Victim mentality does not necessarily have anything to do with being the object of a crime. Victim mentality is letting other people rule your life or, in Hannah Baker’s case, letting other people ruin your life. While this idea can sound harsh, it is the reason Hannah Baker’s character and millions of other people take their own lives. I remember counseling a suicidal 20-year-old girl who was a complete puzzle to me. I could not figure out why this beautiful and talented young woman with her whole life ahead of her was suicidal. Finally, she said to me, “I want to commit suicide because I want my dad to know how badly he hurt me when he sexually abused me.” That is the suicidal delusion that many teenagers and adults believe--that because of what has happened in their life, their life is over.

Many suffering people believe they are the only ones. They are the only ones being bullied. They are the only ones being sexually abused. They are the only ones without friends. And when people believe they are alone, they feel hopeless. But, luckily, our lives are never hopeless, never beyond repair, and never beyond redemption because God is big enough to use the worst parts of our lives for His ultimate plan. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph had the ultimate chance to confront his brothers who sold him into slavery and left him for dead, and his response was not to leave cassette tapes for all his brothers to listen to so they could be punished. Instead, Joseph told his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive.”

In considering your view of “Thirteen Reasons Why,” please remember that there is a reason it is a hit show. Countless numbers of people are tempted to commit suicide every minute. We must stop letting other people ruin and even take our lives. We must open our eyes to the nationwide epidemic and reality of suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Why It's OK, Not to be OK ! (Podcast)

This month I had the incredible opportunity to be interviewed by Advance Now Media on "Why It's OK, Not to be OK": Hope & Help for Depression, Anxiety, & Suicide. Advance Now media is a podcast by the Southern Baptist of Texas Convention.

My heart and soul is to help everyone and anyone who is struggling with depression, anxiety, & suicidal thoughts by offering them hope and help! Hope you enjoy! 

 "Why It's OK, To Not Be OK -Hope & Help for Depression, Anxiety, & Suicide". Click the link to listen: http://bit.ly/Its_OK